Not a day goes by...
Several months back, around March or so, I vividly remember Grace asking me if I missed or thought of 'her'. I thought about that question for probably 2 seconds, and with a misplaced sense of heartfelt conviction, answered, "No, not really". Grace was admittedly surprised. It transpired that she didn't think it was normal for someone to get over a breakup so quickly, even though it had been a couple of months for me by then. And particularly for me as she knew I had poured myself into my relationship with 'her' and loved 'her' with an uncommon love. Well, I answered in all honesty when she asked me, as that was how I felt. I had at that time thrown myself headlong into all manner of activities, and had nary a split second to entertain thoughts of longings and memories of a bitter & painful breakup.
The days passed by in a blur till the fateful day I discovered that 'she' had betrayed me, that 'she' had begun seeing someone else even while we were still together, a cruel fact I had to find out from a most unlikely source. That startling revelation rocked my very foundation and assumptions, and sent me into a dizzying spiral of despair and self-pity. I had to muster up the courage to travel thousands of miles to find out the truth, as they say, from the horse's mouth. What they didn't warn me about though, was that the truth can sometimes be far worse than your most vivid of imaginations.
That said, I had totally and blatantly trusted her. Trust and Openness being the 2 pillars of our relationship, I had refused to believe anything said about her and wanted to know only what she would tell me. The truth knocked me back to a place I had never known before, a prison I didn't have the key to nor knew how to get out of. All I believed, and trusted implicitly, pulled out from under me without much of a warning. Everything that had seemed so perfect about us suddenly blurred into a mirage in a clear desert sky, taunting and teasing and ultimately drying you up inside with its incessant, empty lure.
At the airport, I had told her that once I left, it was final, and I would never turn back. I had determined to leave everything behind as my plane took off - all memories, hurts, joy, every good and bad thought. I sought to wipe out her existence from my mind. And I had indeed felt a certain victory. I felt that I was able to let go.
I sought to rebuild my life, this time with renewed wisdom. I tried to stay firm on the path I had chosen. I didn't want my heart to soften and to unwittingly turn back. I had to, for once, do it for myself.
This journey to rediscover myself has been far harder than I thought it would be.
Now, in 2 days time, it will be 8 months since we broke up. And if Grace, or anyone for that matter, were to ask if I still think of her, my answer, without any hesitation, would be "Not a Day goes by...".
The days passed by in a blur till the fateful day I discovered that 'she' had betrayed me, that 'she' had begun seeing someone else even while we were still together, a cruel fact I had to find out from a most unlikely source. That startling revelation rocked my very foundation and assumptions, and sent me into a dizzying spiral of despair and self-pity. I had to muster up the courage to travel thousands of miles to find out the truth, as they say, from the horse's mouth. What they didn't warn me about though, was that the truth can sometimes be far worse than your most vivid of imaginations.
That said, I had totally and blatantly trusted her. Trust and Openness being the 2 pillars of our relationship, I had refused to believe anything said about her and wanted to know only what she would tell me. The truth knocked me back to a place I had never known before, a prison I didn't have the key to nor knew how to get out of. All I believed, and trusted implicitly, pulled out from under me without much of a warning. Everything that had seemed so perfect about us suddenly blurred into a mirage in a clear desert sky, taunting and teasing and ultimately drying you up inside with its incessant, empty lure.
At the airport, I had told her that once I left, it was final, and I would never turn back. I had determined to leave everything behind as my plane took off - all memories, hurts, joy, every good and bad thought. I sought to wipe out her existence from my mind. And I had indeed felt a certain victory. I felt that I was able to let go.
I sought to rebuild my life, this time with renewed wisdom. I tried to stay firm on the path I had chosen. I didn't want my heart to soften and to unwittingly turn back. I had to, for once, do it for myself.
This journey to rediscover myself has been far harder than I thought it would be.
Now, in 2 days time, it will be 8 months since we broke up. And if Grace, or anyone for that matter, were to ask if I still think of her, my answer, without any hesitation, would be "Not a Day goes by...".
posted by idea-expression dichotomy | 3:41 pm
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